Summer

Published August 14, 2016 by iwishiwasadopted

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It’s been really hot around here!  I’m lucky though, I have an above ground pool and air conditioning.  I don’t suffer much.

I made my home everything that I wanted as a child.  I grew up in a 1 bedroom apartment, but I knew early on that I wanted to live in a house.  I wanted a yard,a swing-set, and a pool.  I got them all, as an adult. I wanted my children to have the life that I never had.  We take family vacations.  They each have their own bedrooms.  I got it all, for them.  Everything that I wanted.

I never, ever considered giving any of them away, but I did once consider abortion.

I was pregnant with my 4th child.  My husband didn’t make much money, and I had a job as a bank teller.  I couldn’t imagine taking care of another baby.  I went to planned parenthood, because they gave free pregnancy tests.  I knew that I was pregnant, but I wanted official confirmation.  They gave it to me.  I sat in a woman’s office, and she advised abortion.  She said it would be unfair to my other kids to have another.  She said that I should think of myself, and my job.  I felt guilty, because I wanted my baby, even if it was #4.  Even if things would be tight.  If I thought of myself, I wanted this baby very much.

I was torn.

Then I imagined meeting this unborn baby someday, and explaining why I did it.  What would I say?  I didn’t want to quit my bank teller job?  I didn’t have enough money?  None of the reasons seemed good enough for me to end my baby’s life.

None of those reasons were good enough, and I have 4 children.  I had my tubes tied after she was born, so I would never have to face that tough decision again.  I’m so glad that shes here!  She’s 19 now, and we did have enough money after all.  I got another job.  We all survived.

I am not anti abortion.  I think it’s a better choice than ISA, Infant Stranger Adoption.  It just wasn’t the right choice for me, at that time.  She will be starting her second year of college in a  few weeks, my last baby.

How did my mother give me away?  How could she tell people that I died?  Did she ever imagine that I would come back and ask why?  I did, and she did not have a good enough answer.  What reason is good enough to explain why you gave your newborn away?

There is so much I needed to learn from her, and shes’ gone forever.  The summer heat will always remind me of her last days, visiting her in the hospital as she lay dying.  Gone!  It still takes me by  surprise sometimes.

She has not been buried.  I don’t know where her ashes are.  Nowhere to visit, nowhere to mourn.

My adoptive mother, Ramona is losing her hearing.  She’s going to the ear doctor Monday, my eldest daughter will be taking her.  Her conversations are filled with her fears about the procedure the doctor may do, something to drain the fluid from her ears.  I feel sorry for her, but my mother is dead, and I don’t really love Ramona.

I was on vacation, with my family for 5 days, and had no internet or phone signal, and didn’t have any contact with Ramona.  It was heaven, but now I’m back.

 

 

 

Happy Birthday, Bro!

Published August 3, 2016 by iwishiwasadopted

Today is my half brother’s 49th birthday.  This is the only place where I’ll wish him happy birthday.

Last year we were in the hospital, visiting Mom.She told me it was his birthday, which I forgot.  I said “Happy Birthday”, but I didn’t mean it.  I don’t care about him,and I think he feels the same about me, so, Happy Birthday little brother, and go fuck yourself.  happy_birthday

Some Time Alone?

Published July 13, 2016 by iwishiwasadopted

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This evening, I’m almost alone in my house. It’s rare, and I’ve missed it. I used to be alone all day,while the kids were in school, and hubby and Ramona out at work.

Now, I work all day, Ramona is retired, the youngest is home from college,not working.  The middle sister is working part time, waiting to hear from grad school, and sleeping her days away.  The eldest girl is attending trade school, and working part time.That’s 6 of us,here at home. A crowd.

I long for time alone, with hubby.

But I’m here now.  Romona is in her apartment, but she comes out once in awhile.  Last time i was upstairs, thankfully. I was lying on  my bed, thinking and relaxing. i heard her apartment door open, instant tension.I hear her shuffle around.  After all,she’s 86.

I feel terrible about the way that I feel about Ramona. I’m supposed to love her, but no one else really does. She adopted me,but i never, ever felt that she was my mother. It was always an uneasy relationship, on both sides.  Last summer my mother was dying. She went into the emergency room in late June, and never left a medical facility.  She died Sept Sept 1, so the memories of last summer and hitting me pretty hard.

Ramona has not mentioned this. I have no idea if it’s even crossed her mind.   Ramona is very concerned with her health problems.  She shares a lot, and my daughters take her to her doctors.  She pays them.  Ramona’s body repulses me.  It always has.  When my mother was in the hospital, she asked to be changed, and middle sister and I helped Mom’s sister roll her over. Sometimes I think Mom planned it.  She was very cagey. All three of us women had our hands on  my mother, the matriarch.  i felt the ancient call of women caring for other family members.  It was a precious and sacred moment, for all of us.Middle sister said, , “Mom,you’ve got her ass!”.  We laughed, in the midst of all the pain.

The youngest said, ‘Mom, it’s almost like you lying there”.  My mother and i shared an uncanny resemblance.  The kind that makes you do a double take, and smile at how clever nature is.  Oh mother, why did you leave me so soon!  I truly barely knew you!

 

And Ramona is still here.  I wish we had never crossed paths.

 

 

One Year Ago

Published July 8, 2016 by iwishiwasadopted

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One year ago I found out that my mother was dying.  I can’t sleep, and I’m filled with anger and thoughts of my family again.  I checked them out on facebook, again.  I found out that my Aunt Susan has retired after 41 years of teaching art in the public schools.  I found out that my half brother is becoming an uncle, again. I see their lives, 5 years after I  found them.  I see my father, wishing everyone a Happy 4th of July, adding that he’s feeling “happy”.

4th

He told me he was ill and miserable, and not up to contacting anyone. This was a few years ago.  I guess he’s recovered,while my healthy mother has died. I smell a rat.

Will I ever be able to accept that I will never be part of their lives?  I don’t see how.  Every thing I see reminds me of my loss, and how much I long for a connection that I am forever denied.

At times like these, nothing seems to help. I hope this passes soon.

Father’s Day

Published June 25, 2016 by iwishiwasadopted

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Many adoptees write about father’s day.  Mother’s day too.  They are hard days for many of us.

I dreamt of my father the other day.  We were on vacation sleeping in an RV, on the beach when a seagull woke us.  He was on the roof,and we could hear his claws scratching. He tried to get in through the skylight!  It was kinda funny,and it woke me out of a sound sleep, in the middle of a dream.

In the dream, I complained that my father never gave me a birthday gift, or any gift at all.  The person I was complaining to said she never got gifts either, and I said, “but it was the same for all your brothers and sisters too. My father gives gifts to his other children,just not to me”.

In the early days of reunion, I sent my father father’s day cards, and had my children sign cards for their only grandfather. I stopped after 2 years, because i realized that my father does not consider me to be his child,and doesn’t consider my 4 children his grandchildren.He’s content with the ones he kept.They were born from the right woman,at the right  time,unlike me.

My father has the legal right to disown me, completely and totally. He signed his rights away,and I’m not his daughter.  Not next of kin, not anything at all, even though I am his first born.  Even though his parents are my grandparents.  Even though every relative he has, I have too.

None of that matters. He didn’t want me, so he’s not my father.  Simple as that.

I hate my father.

Adoption

Published June 8, 2016 by iwishiwasadopted

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This is how I feel about adoption, and loyalty. In my case, it was not necessary. If my parents could manage to parent other kids,they could have parented me too. It might not have been heaven,but neither is being given up for adoption. It’s harsh, people. It’s the ultimate disrespect and rejection. your own mother, for goodness sakes. Maternal abandonment, the stuff of nightmares and madness.

And you’re supposed to like it. No matter how open,and whatever words are sid, you are supposed to love your adoptive parents. It’s practically an order. They took you in, orphan waif that your mother made you, and housed you, and brought you up to be proper, a step above your humble beginnings. A little leg up in the world, for lucky you.

I didn’t like it. It seemed like a raw deal. I’d rather live in squalor,with my own dear mother,then live in a palace with strangers, having to pretend to be their kid. Yuck. No thanks, but i have no choice, do i, because I am an orphan waif, thanks again Mom, and I have to take whatever you’re dishing out in order to stay alive.

I guess that seems harsh but I just don’t see how people can adopt. once they do that,they seem bad and kinda evil to me. how can you take the child of a living woman, and make it call you mother? What gives you the right?

So,my adoptive mother is evil. My natural mother is bad too,she gives away her babies.

It’s very splitting.

Who is My Mother?

Published June 5, 2016 by iwishiwasadopted

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I’ve been following a post on this website:

http://www.littlethings.com/jen-adoption-story/?utm_source=LTcom&utm_medium=Facebook&utm_campaign=shock

It’s about a woman who finds her family.  So many people have critical comments about it, saying that the woman should honor her adoptive parents more, and that she is somehow disrespecting or belittling them by loving her mother and family.

This kind of thinking seems so wrong to me.  Why aren’t we allowed to love our mothers, like the rest of humankind?  Why are we held apart from this right?

They say it’s because our mothers gave us away, so we should not love them anymore, and also not be mad at them for the wonderful thing they did to us, all wile thanking our adoptive parents for rescuing us from the gutter, or death, or worse!

An awful lot for an orphan to handle, don’t you think?  And the criticism for searching and loving is harsh and punishing.  No wonder we rarely speak out.

What does this behavior say about open adoption, the wonderful change that made adoption great for everyone?  If you are maligned for searching for your family, what are you if you love your mother in an open adoption with another family?  We are supposed to hide our love for our mothers, out of loyalty to the ones who bought us,and paid for our childhoods.

My dear husband, not adopted explained it this way.  What if you had a mother, and you loved her and suddenly someone came and told you you had to live with another family, and another woman would be your mother now.  They tell you you will forget all about the other mother, and you won’t see or think about her anymore.  How would you feel?

Well, that’s just how I feel about my mother.  Just exactly that way.  By this I mean my real mother, the one who gave me life, and who I never stopped loving.

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